5 Signs Your Trainer Needs a C.A.T Scan

(Computerized Axial Tomography, CAT scan) is a process used to take images of the brain to look for fractures and tumours. Severe head trauma can result in among other things serious deficiencies in brian function. After years of speaking to health and fitness professionals I can not but wonder if the nonsense that many of them pass off as science is actually just the result of head trauma. Below is a list of five signs that your trainer may be in need of a CAT Scan. If your trainer believes any of the following please suggest that they seek medical attention immediately.

5) “When you stop working out muscle turns to fat”: Ok boys and girls. Does water turn into wine? Can you turn lead into gold? The answers as most of you elementary school grads can figure out is that no you can’t and guess what, muscle doesn’t turn to fat. If your trainer says this, send them for a Cat Scan.

4) “Women shouldn’t lift more than five pounds.”Oh I know what you are thinking, light weights and high reps thats what women need. Don’t want to bulk up and look like a guy do ya? Well here is a little secret, its hard for most guys to look like guys. A woman isn’t going to lift her way into looking like a guy unless she takes a trip to a pharmacy on her way to the gym. As for the trainers who say that women shouldn’t lift more than five pounds, well I guess that means women shouldn’t hold their children.

3) “Squatting is bad for you” Squatting isn’t bad for you, being stupid is. Do you know why so many trainers are told not to squat below parallel? Its because the people coaching them know they won’t bother to train correctly. They give them the most remedial move they can think of. Its like covering your house in padding rather than teaching your child how to move safely through the world. The people on this planet who squat the heaviest loads the most often squat ass to grass for a reason. They get more return for every squat than that little dip you see people trying to pass off as a squat. It takes time and effort to learn how to move correctly. Do you want to be a well educated machine, or a monkey with a clipboard?

2)“Locking your joints while weightlifting is bad for them.” This is one of my favs… Oh yes boys and girls thanks to magazines like Muscle and Fiction we have been told for years not to straighten our joints. The results? A bunch of meat heads in wife beaters with puffy arms walking around gyms looking like they are holding two imaginary suitcases. Overloading and hyperextending can cause injury but making people afraid to do something their arms naturally do to support load is ridiculous. Forget whatever cute workout you are doing at home with your Ken and Barbie weight set and watch someone do a snatch with an Olympic bar. Ok, are you watching? Do you see the overhead position? Yup..those arms are good and locked out. Can you figure out why? Just imagine a Bulgarian weight lifting coach telling his student “Yavor, ok listen to me. Today we do a little something different on this lift. I want for you to keep slight bend in your arms when you hold the 200KG load over your head.” If you are smiling as you imagine the weights falling on poor Yavor then you get it. If you are busy thinking of arguments why Yavor should try this, GO STRAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL AND ASK FOR A CAT SCAN!.

1)“Muscle weights more than fat.”If a trainer tells you that “muscle weighs more than fat” you should have the right to punch them one time in the neck. Not too hard, just enough to jar some sense into that jellybean container they call a skull. Lets play a game, you can play along too. Does five pounds of muscle weight more than five pounds of fat? If you answered yes, please go bang your head in a car door and try again. Five pounds IS FIVE POUNDS!!!@@$#!@#!@# Think! Yes it muscle may be more dense than fat but then SAY THAT!

 

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